So last night I had an unusual event happen to me, at least, it’s unusual for something like it to have occurred recently, that being that I actually remember a lot of my dream from last night. The night before, I vaguely remember the emotional intensity of my dream, but this time, I remember it pretty clearly. If I had to guess, it would be that since I actually have a semi-stable place to sleep at night now, that my stress levels have gone down enough to sleep a little longer and can now start to really remember my dreams once again. This is both a blessing and a curse, as my dreams can be wonderful experiences of bliss in the best cases (typically during lucid dreaming), or horrific nightmares which cause me terror and anxiety. This particular dream definitely fell in the latter, and I think represents a lot of my fears that have built up as of late. First though, the dream itself.
Several weeks ago, I ordered parts to have my computer fixed (this was before I found out that my roommate and I were going to get evicted, long story short, bad luck), and had gotten an Amazon Prime trial subscription to get the parts sooner. As I had the subscription, I took advantage of the opportunity to binge watch “The Man in the High Castle”, as I had seen the first season shortly after it came out, and was quite excited to catch up on the series. This may seem unimportant, but is crucial for understanding the context for this dream.
In my dream, I found myself in a world similar to that of the show, though with a few minor differences, the first being that the allies still won WWII, and that rather than in the past, it was a short time in the future. In this dream, the fascist elements of modern America had taken over the country, and were implementing some of the more extreme types of policies that I had seen talked about on places like /pol/. I found myself in a situation where I was forced to work for the Nazis to protect my family. This is because at first glance, I appear to be very, very white, but a glance at my hair, and nose, and my heritage begins to come into question. I have been asked (in real life, yes), by actual neo-Nazis about my heritage, asking if I have black relatives or ancestors, or if my family is Jewish. To be honest, I don’t actually know, early parts of my family tree, and the most recent generations are seemingly white, but there are questions about “purity” if you go back to my slave-holding ancestors during colonial and pre-Civil War generations.
This was reflected in my dream, where the Nazi regime was essentially holding my family hostage, threatening to not only test my family if I didn’t cooperate with them, but also essentially guaranteed that they would at least find Jewish heritage, and informed me that to prevent the white genocide being perpetrated on the Aryan race, that there would be consequences if they did discover that, of course meaning they would be killed. It was clear in the context of the dream that I was being used for my liberal values to spy for the regime. John Smith, played by Rufus Sewell, was the officer that I reported to in this context.
My mission was to discover the location of the liberal haven that many had fled to when fascism had taken over in full force, so that the regime could eliminate the safe-haven for liberals, minorities, and free-thinkers. I remember the emotional turmoil that I felt, walking into the Nazi headquarters building. My family was waiting out in the car for me in front of the building. I knew that if I gave up the location of this city, that tens of thousands would die, as the Nazis were planning to scorch the earth, nuking the city. On my way to Smith’s office, I came across Joe Blake from the series, a fellow spy. My knowledge from the series led me to believe that Joe would have sympathized with my plight, and that my cooperation was coerced. The two of us went to an empty interrogation room within the building, where I confided in him that I was struggling with the decision, and trying to see if I could find some way out of giving up the information that I had acquired. I even (quite foolishly) told him that I had no love of Nazis, and that I thought that it was awful what the country had become, saying “I’ve said and done what I’ve had to to survive.”
It turned out that this last line to him was a bad idea. I could see that I had not only given him leverage, but reason to be reported, and that my slightly protected status was at risk of being stripped, and with my family right outside, under Nazi watch. I tried to take back what I said, that of course I would never truly betray them, as I cared about my family too much (this was not exactly true, as I had actually hoped to give them bad information, and then attempt to escape the country before my lie was discovered). I found that I had a gun, which was strange, as I, in general hate guns, but it gave me an opportunity. I could attempt to kill Joe here, as I discovered that his loyalties were no longer in question, and he was going to turn me in. I knew what would happen next. Torture until I gave up the information, for both me as well as my family, and then once the information was given up, there would be no more reason to keep us alive, killing me, my family, and the haven that I wanted to protect. The interrogation rooms were soundproof and I had one opportunity to maybe, just maybe get myself out of this situation.
I fired at Joe, and missed. I couldn’t have felt worse. Joe fled the room, and chasing him out into the hallway, I realized that it was now too late. In moments the building was locked down, and I was being dragged to my reporting officer’s office, stripped of my weapon, and forced to watch from an upper window, my parents and my sister dragged from the car, and beaten on the sidewalk. It was strange, as they had done nothing “wrong”, in fact, in the dream, they had believed themselves to be pure, and had integrated into the new society with no difficulty or qualms. Joe stood next to John, who was still granted his title from the beginning of the show, obergruppenführer, as in this regime, the titles from Nazi Germany were appropriated by the Americans, representing how fully and blatantly they were adopting the ideology. John spoke to me, “Did you really think that you could fool us with proxies? That we didn’t know about your seditious acts? All you had to do was give one location, and perhaps we could have found a place for you within the New Reich, but you decided to be difficult.”
Terror filled me, and I tried to get myself together, now half-crying, “It’s too much death, I can’t kill that many people and live with myself.”
This time Joe spoke, “I did it, and look at me now, you were even luckier, being a Jew and given this opportunity. You could have had a comfortable life for you and your family, in peace, if you had just cooperated.”
I tried to struggle, but the officers who were holding my arms had grips like steel, and I could only sink to my knees, still half-sobbing, “You’re going to destroy the world with your hate!”
“We’re going to save it,” John told me, “it’s unfortunate your family won’t get to see it though.” Another wave of terror, they weren’t going to kill me, they were going to kill my family, and keep me alive to spy for them. I would have no escape from them, with them doing who knew what to make sure I stayed loyal. John gave a command through a radio attached to his belt, and the guards who were beating my family pulled out their guns and fired. Through the window, I could feel the silence down on the street. I attempted to grab for a gun, to kill myself, because I knew that they would get the information that they wanted, and at minimum would not let me die until I did, but I could not reach any of the weapon holsters. Then, I woke up.
It was truly one of the most emotionally intense dreams that I have ever had. The fear was so tangible that I woke up in a cold sweat. Even reflecting on this nightmare to write it has re-conjured some of the fear I felt during it.
I think this dream was a pretty good amalgamation of nearly every fear I have at the moment. Nazis, nuclear war, selling out my principles to protect my family, fear of being spied on by the government, fear of needing a gun, even climate change (that was the implication of the destroy the world comment), dreams are funny that way, you can say one thing, but you can simultaneously know the depth of context to it that isn’t so apparent in that context. I’m disappointed in my dream self for in that context having already sold out my principles to some extent, though I guess it’s good that I have limits. I was surprised by my connection to my family in the dream. My connection to my family has been, especially in recent years, strained, and somewhat distant. It seems strange that I would have sold out anyone to protect them, or their conservative values that they hold on to so dearly.
In the end, it was a nightmare, and the most vivid I’ve had in months. There was a reason I’d smoke before bed. I expect these dreams will start occurring more often. This certainly made up for months without a real nightmare though. I miss the old days, when my worst nightmares were about vampires.
/rant 